3 weeks post chemo

OK, so here we are. We had a "final" visit with Dr. D. with pretty much the same content as before, quite hopeful, etc. CT scan in mid-July, then every six to eight weeks. Maybe a PET scan at some point, maybe radiation, maybe Rituxan "maintenance" -- but probably not.



Oddly, it is harder to be in this phase of things than in treatment. All the anger, grief, etc. of the past few years has come home to roost. Our presumed "vacation" this week on Star Island is irrecoverably contaminated with ... well, a lot of shit. Too much to describe here. At the moment, we're not going, but that decision changes hourly. It wouldn't be as bad as it is if we had had so-called normal lives, but we haven't. It's a mess of contradictions and paradox. This week long "conference" has been a community of ours for 20 years. We volunteered to do the thankless job of being registrars, not knowing I'd have chemo, and not knowing what a shit job it is. Plus, last year, Star Island almost went broke through mismanagement, and there are a lot of hard feelings about that. So there are a lot of people we're unhappy with, and who are unhappy with us; and we have a lot of emotional baggage just from non-Star issues alone. So we're damned if we go, and damned if we don't, as far as I can tell. And yet with just a slight mental shift this would all be nothing at all. And yet I can't make that shift. I don't want to spend a week processing emotional baggage, but it seems there is no alternative. I thought we were going to begin our turnaround, a fresh start, new beginnings, etc. but I guess not. Life seems to have gone bad. I thought we were doing well, but I guess I'm wrong. I can't figure out how life is ever going to be worthwhile, and wonder why I bother trying to be and think healthy. It really seems like a waste of money and energy if we are destined for grief. (Translate: can't figure our way out of this.)



PS -- True believers of all sorts, please, please, please do not write to me of your beliefs. That will only piss me off, and I'm already ready to put babies on spikes for entertainment.